


Stepping Stones

by Im_The_Doctor (Bofur1)



Category: Video Blogging RPF, Youtube RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Car Accidents, Caretaking, Caring, Counseling, Depression, Diary/Journal, Dreams and Nightmares, Family Dynamics, Help, Hope vs. Despair, Hopeful Ending, Nightmares, POV First Person, Paralysis, Permanent Injury, Recovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Slice of Life, Slow Build, Wheelchairs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-06 23:35:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16842676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bofur1/pseuds/Im_The_Doctor
Summary: After a car accident robs him of his legs, his family and his joy, Chase copes through entries in his journal. Perhaps, with time and effort, he can heal through them too. Commission Fic.





	Stepping Stones

April 11th

_Well…hey there, diary, it’s Chase Brody. That sounds stupid already, but I’m writing with this pen Jackieboy got me, so I can’t go back and fix it. Whatever._

_Apparently having a diary or a journal is supposed to be therapeutic. If I need to clear my head, I can just write down whatever I’m thinking about here, put it all out where it’s private and I don’t have to worry about anyone else judging me for it. Jackieboy says it’s gonna help with my healing, but I don’t think he gets it. It’s my **legs** that need healing and writing here isn’t going to do anything about that. I’m trying it just so he’ll stop bringing it up._

_So…I’m supposed to talk about what’s going on in my head. Honestly, it’s the same old stuff kicking up because I’m too depressed to put it all behind me. Yay, me!_

_I’m not feeling great._

_I dreamt about it all again this morning—the same old dream about the crash. It woke me up before Schneep came in, but I tried to look like I was still sleeping. After dreaming all night about those paramedics dragging me out of the van, I didn’t really want his help. Pretty simple to understand. But if I’d let him go without getting me up, I’d have to just lie there and think about the dream for **ages** until he came back to try again. Who knows when that would be?_

_I **wish** it was just a dream, but every time I wake up and I try to turn over to get away from it, I can’t._

_I just…_

_~~I wish Stacy was with me.~~ _

_Anyway, Schneep was really gentle today—a lot nicer than yesterday, at least. To be fair, I know I wasn’t exactly cooperative when it came to the whole showering thing. They finally got it fully modified so I can roll in with the chair and Schneep’s been saying for a while that towel baths aren’t “efficient” enough._

_He probably just wants me to start becoming more independent, which, yeah, is a good thing, but then he was telling me how much it cost to get it changed. Yeeeah, telling me how much trouble you’re going to for me really helps to boost the self-esteem, buddy. So I told him I was sorry if I took up too much of his precious budget; maybe it would’ve been cheaper if he’d let me try and crawl there. I think I startled him, but that didn’t last long. We got in a big fight about it and…well, let’s just say I never showered._

_It wasn’t a good day for either of us. I know it was a misunderstanding and I know I hurt Schneep’s feelings with everything else I said, so I can’t really blame him for biting back. But now he’s being all quiet and tiptoeing around me and I feel bad for making **him** feel bad about it._

_Wow. I guess I did have a lot on my mind._

***

April 23rd

_Counseling sucks._

_How do they expect me to sit there and talk about everything with this lady who’s walking around on her own two feet? And Marvin’s right there in the room watching! It’s not like I’m going to open up at all with him there, but I don’t want him to leave me alone with her either._

_Basically I stalled and went around in circles as much as I could until we ran out of time. I’m pretty sure both of them knew what I was doing, but what’s weird is they didn’t try to stop me. Marv barely said a word at all, and the lady just kept asking questions in this really irritating “patient voice”. Does she practice that every morning? She’s got to, there’s no way she could grate on me that much without putting a lot of effort into it._

_Counseling’s never done anything for me. Didn’t stop Stacy either, did it?_

_~~The shrink’s voice sounds like hers and I **hate it**.~~ _

***

April 30th

 _Talked to Schneep and Jackie and I’m trying a different counselor today. We’ll see how it goes_.

***

May 17th

_The kids finally convinced Stacy to let them call. I cried, I couldn’t help it. Why has she made them wait so long? I’ve missed so much! I HATE FEELING LIKE I’M NOT THERE FOR THEM!_

_I hate not being there for them._

_Connor doesn’t like it at their new school. He says there are bullies, but Brianna’s been trying to stick up for him. Just about gave me a heart attack when she said she got hurt…No nine-year-old should be getting her arm broken at school to protect her brother. **What are you thinking, Stacy?** Their old school was the best one for them! Oh, but because it’s closer to **me** and you don’t want to be within a fifty-mile radius of a “burden”, you take them there? Great, awesome, mother of the year!_

_…Getting off track._

_Bri said they decorated the cast to be really pretty. I keep imagining it like the armrests on my chair, with all the smiley faces and heart stickers they put on._

_I miss them._

***

June 11th

_I can’t do this anymore, I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I CAN’T DO IT, I CAN’T DO IT, I CAN’T_

_WHY CAN’T I DO ANYTHING ON MY OWN?_

_I HATE MYSELF_

_I HATE BEING USELESS_

_I HATE NEEDING HELP_

_I HATE EVERYTHING_

***

June 12th

_Haven’t gotten out of bed. Marv came in to keep me company. I don’t deserve him. I’m pathetic._

_He’s asleep now._

_I wish I could fall asleep that easily. I wanna sleep without dreaming about it anymore. I close my eyes for one second and all I see is the bridge and the black ice. I hear the kids and Stacy screaming and crying and I can’t move. I can’t do a thing._

_I’m tired._

***

July 10th

_Showering’s gotten a little easier. Well, no, not easier, but I’m more used to it. Schneep’s pretty proud._

_While I was waiting for the water to warm up and he was off getting a change of clothes for me, I turned myself around and tried a wheelie for a minute. That was…actually kinda fun, even if I ran into the counter like an idiot._

_I miss doing stunts. I never actually put up a video explaining what happened; I haven’t even gone on to find out if the channel still has any subscribers. Should get to that sometime, just to see._

***

July 24th

_Counseling was actually kinda nice today. It was good to get some things off my chest._

_He asked if I still felt guilty for needing the others to help me._

_It’s weird, but I’m not really sure. It’s just…life now._

***

August 15th

_I can’t believe I’m actually considering this._

_Marv took me somewhere a few days ago. Said he wanted to show me this amazing surprise and that he knew I’d love it, which is kind of ironic. I reminded him that it was **his** birthday, not mine, but he said this would be a gift to himself too, if we were lucky. What’s that supposed to mean?_

_He took me to this paralytic training center and there were a ton of people in wheelchairs there playing sports—swimming, tennis and basketball and volleyball, even horseback riding. I had no idea that was a thing! It **was** a surprise, that’s for sure. Marvin kept watching me to see my reaction. Yes, Marv, I noticed; you’re not exactly subtle._

_I was…I don’t know, maybe a little mad at first. I thought it was his way of saying, “This is where you should be by now! Why haven’t you been making progress like they are?” But we kept watching it all happen and when our guide left us alone for a minute, he looked at me and…he was crying._

_He hasn’t cried since the accident. Not that I’ve seen, at least. But before I could ask if he was okay, he asked me, “Is something like this what you might want someday?”_

_Like he was giving me a choice. I haven’t had a choice to make for myself in a while now, least not when it comes to the chair, so to think that I could somehow **choose** to end up like those people…To be asked if I wanted to…I’ll be honest, that scared me a little._

_I’m **still** scared, cause…I think it might be._

_I think I do want that._

_I’m actually considering Bro Average again and it terrifies me._

***

August 22nd

_I’m heading back to the studio. I’m probably insane._

***

September 9th

_Got the last of the ramps secured today and I think I like them so far. I’ve been doing some more with the wheelies and planning a few different kinds of spins that I can practice._

_The crew is pretty happy that I’ve been calling them again, and the others are excited! Well, Jackieboy and Marvin are. Schneep’s nervous, I can tell, but I just have to keep telling him that I want to **go somewhere**. I want to make myself good for something. Bro Average was the most fun I ever had and I want to have it again, even if it’s different._

_~~Maybe if~~ _ _When I put out my first wheelchair video, Brianna and Connor could see it. <3_

***

September 27th

_Why does this have to be so HARD? “Oh, sure, I can do all these tricks and do something useful with my life!” That’s it, smart guy, go ahead and break your face **and** a camera while you’re trying to impress everyone! I’m supposed to know this stuff by now! I’ve been practicing it for weeks!_

_Why do I even bother setting goals? I’m just gonna fall short like I always do! Too many expectations for **half** a man, right, Stacy?_

_Why did I ever think I could do this again?_

***

October 7th

 _It’s eating at me **all the time**. Everything I did wrong. I’m gonna try it again_.

***

November 25th

_I LANDED THREE HANDPLANTS! I LANDED THREE HANDPLANTS IN! A!! ROW!!! Tried to make it a fourth, but it didn’t work out. Jackieboy almost tried to help me when he saw me start skidding, but Marvin kept him back. Said I needed to take the hit and get back up, and I did. At least I didn’t cry like a baby this time, haha. Actually, I haven’t done that in a while. It’s felt pretty good <3_

_Anyway, the video’s coming out tomorrow and I just know everybody’s gonna flip out! I got a comment from Bri and Connor on the last one. I hope they get to watch this one too!_

***

December 2nd

_The doc brought up something today and it’s so weird…With everything I’ve been doing and planning and thinking about, I hadn’t noticed._

_The nightmare’s gone._

_I’ve been dreaming of better things_.


End file.
